


Let Me Just

by Daretodream66



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Torture, Sam Wilson is a Gift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 07:05:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18516388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daretodream66/pseuds/Daretodream66
Summary: Steve confesses to Bucky and drops the shield.  Bucky has a freak out, but not what you might think.





	Let Me Just

“You have to understand, I tried not to feel this. I tried so damn hard, but nothing made it go away.  I tried when I was 13 and you first started discovering girls.  I tried when I was 16 and we sat on the dock watching the fireworks.  I tried when I got you off that table and out of that factory.  I tried when you fell and I couldn’t feel anything but you anymore.  I tried when I saw you on that bridge and you didn’t know me.  I tried.  I swear I did.  I tried to make it go away.  I’ve buried it so long that it was bound to take over at some point and I guess today is that day.”  He looks up into confused and frightened eyes.  “I tried not to love you.  I tried not to need you.  I tried not to want you so bad it physically hurts, but nothing works.  I love you so goddamn much that it’s all that makes sense.  I feel you so deep in my soul that I’m not sure I was ever a whole person.  I was just a shell waiting for you to come along and fill in everything else.”  Taking one last deep breath and whispering the last of it.  “I am so in love with you that I don’t know who I am without it.”  That was it that was all that he could say, not looking up into the eyes that had been so scared moments ago, Steve picks up the shield and walks out of their apartment and into the street.  He’d have to find a new place to live now, he’d have to disappear and allow Bucky to have the life he deserves. 

He gets on his bike and heads to the compound.

It’s quiet at night in upstate New York, the compound is quiet too. He knows that some of the Avengers are on a mission, but he also knows that Tony didn’t go.  He pulls the shield from the holder on the side of the bike and heads in.  He finds Tony in the first place he looks, the lab.  Things haven’t been great between them, but they are better.  Once were there had been jokes and insults because that’s what Tony does with people he cares about, those are few and far between.

“Well, to what do I owe the honor of this visit?” Tony’s holding a coffee cup, leaning on the work bench.

Steve throws the shield onto the bench and turns to leave. He doesn’t have the patients to try to have a conversation and Tony looks like the last person he wants to see is Steve.  “Goodbye Tony.”

“So, you’re just going to walk away because he doesn’t want to fight anymore?” Tony sits the cup down, bracing himself on the bench with his back to Steve.  “Did it ever occur to you that you need this even if he doesn’t?”

Steve stops, shoulders slump. Tony never understood, how could he, Steve never let any of them in.  “He doesn’t know.  This isn’t about what he wants; this is about what I need.  He’s still at the apartment in the city.  I don’t know where I’ll end up, but I’ll let someone know.”  He walks out feeling the crushing weight of letting down even more people.

Tony catches him at his bike. “What the do you mean, you’ll let someone know?  What the hell happened?”

Steve pulls in on himself even more. What he wouldn’t give to be that little guy again.  “I told him the truth and he looked terrified of me.  I guess he still sees being queer as an abomination.”

Tony grabs his arm and swings him around, searching Steve’s face. “Jesus Cap, you’re in love with him.”

Giving a half shrug because it doesn’t matter now who knows, the only one that mattered thinks Steve is an abomination. “Have been my whole life.  Had to go after him, had to save him no matter what else, he’s everything.”  Steve gets on the bike.  “I never meant to hurt you, Tony.”

Tony watches the tail light fade into the dark. “Son of a bitch.”

 

Bucky tries to think of who to call. He’s so much better now, with the triggers gone and a new arm, but in this he’s lost.  He tries Tasha, but she’s on a mission and can’t answer.  Sam doesn’t pick up, but calls back a few minutes later.  “Hey Robocop.”

“He’s gone.” Bucky sinks to the floor, near the door, and shakes like he hasn’t in months.

“Hey, hey, hey, what do you mean? Talk to me Barnes.”

Bucky tells Sam what happened because he will never forget those words as long as he lives. “Then he left.”

“Shit, I’m on my way.”

By the time Sam shows up, Iron Man lands on the balcony carrying the shield. He comes through the balcony doors as the helmet melts away.  “What the hell happened?”

Bucky cringes, but Sam’s hand on his shoulder grounds him. Sam explains everything to Tony and Tony tells them what he was told.  Sam turns on Bucky.  “Why were you so scared?”  Tony mumbles something about a homophobic prick and Sam turns on him.  “Shut up, Tin Can.”

“I’m not.” Bucky sounds like a small child, looking between Sam and Tony.  “I just wasn’t sure it was really happening.”

Sam looks confused and leads Bucky to the sofa. “Explain what you mean.”  Sam’s seen that far away look before, hell he’s had that far away look before.

“I used to remember things, just flashes when I was with…them…and I would have memories only I found out later they weren’t memories, but things I wanted.” He knows he’s not explaining it right, but Sam seems to get it.  Bucky is at a loss for words because certain things take longer to come back.

“So you wanted it, but it never happened until tonight.” Bucky nods.  “And because you’d dreamed it you didn’t know if it was actually happening or if you were disassociating.”  Again, Bucky nods.

“Well it happened and now he’s out there, somewhere, thinking he doesn’t have a home anymore.” Tony doesn’t want to have warm feelings towards the guy that killed his parents, but if those made up memories were what got him through Hydra’s control, then he’s willing to listen.  He hasn’t admitted to anyone that his negative feelings towards Barnes aren’t as bad as anyone thinks, it’s Cap’s betrayal that he’s having the most trouble with now.  Barnes literally didn’t have a choice in what he did, but Steve went into it with his eyes wide open.  “Let’s go.”  He throws a Starkphone to Wilson.  “I put a tracker on the bike months ago.”

Bucky slips his shoes on at the door and Sam laughs. “You going dressed like that?  Really?” Bucky looks down and shrugs.  Steve doesn’t care what he’s wearing, even if it is Hawkeye pajama pants and a Black Widow tee. 

They find Steve on the Boardwalk at Coney Island, the sentimental sap, but it makes something in Bucky blossom. “You can’t tell me what I’ve wanted to hear since I was 17 and then run on me.”  Steve spins around, taking in Bucky’s appearance and smiling softly.  The brooding assassin doesn’t have any idea how adorable he is.

“Buck.” It’s said almost like a caress.

“I love you too, you know. Have since your sixteenth birthday.  The way the fireworks lit up your face, thought I was sitting with a goddamn angel.”  He goes to Steve and leans into him, nuzzling into his neck.  It takes only seconds for Steve’s arms to wind around him.  “Flashes of you saying those things kept me going.  I didn’t know who you were, but I knew your face.”  He pulls back and looks at Steve’s watery eyes.  “They’d put me in the chair when I’d start to ask for the blond man.”  The tears fall down Steve’s cheek and Bucky brushes them away.  “How could you not know?  For god’s sakes Steve, 70 years of brainwashing undone in a second on the helicarrier.”

Steve smiles. “Thought it was a brotherly friendship for you.”

“Jesus Christ Stevie, we belong together.” Steve chuckles.  “We neither one have our shit together.”

“I wanna kiss you, Buck.” He strokes Bucky’s cheek.

“Well, what are you waitin for?” Decades of want, love, friendship, loyalty, and desire go into the kiss.

Sam and Tony stand back watching it unfold; they also notice many, many phones out filming. “This is going to break the internet.”  Sam laughs, but nods.  “I’m going to have to get Pepper on this.  PR is going to be a nightmare.”

“Do you really care?” Sam gives him a side eye and keeps an eye on the crowd.

“Fuck no, Cap is gay for the Winter Soldier and vice versa. They’ve been in love with each other for like 85 years.  That’s the kind of shit Disney wishes they could write.”  The two super soldiers finally pull away from each other, whispering quiet words to each other.  “Now, let’s get the grandpa’s home so they can…well never mind…I don’t want to know that much.”


End file.
